Assertiveness, as we established in part one, means standing up for yourself, without stepping on anyone else's toes. Three ways to become more assertive are to:
Eliminate unassertive behaviors
The first step in becoming more assertive is to eliminate unassertive (both passive and aggressive) behaviors, gestures and speech patterns. Passive behaviors such as avoiding eye contact, slouching, speaking too softly, being indecisive, or minimizing the importance of your own needs and wants should be thrown out the window.
Weak gestures suggest a passive personailty. Avoid fawning, scratching, fidgeting, preening and putting your hands in your pockets. Finally, avoid passive speech patterns such as rambling or uncertain statements, frequent justifications or apologies, and putting yourself down.
Act as if you were assertive
The best way to act assertively is to think of someone you know who is assertive, and do what he or she does. Or you can imagine you already are assertive and act suitably. How would you stand? How would you move? How would you speak? What gestures would you use?
Adopt assertive behaviors such as maintaining good posture, looking people in the eye, moving with confidence and purpose, and being decisive.Speak with confidence and at a relaxed pace, express your needs clearly and directly and be considerate of others.
Craft assertive statements
When someone says or does something that offends you, you can response in any of three ways. You can choose to be passive about it, allowing the situation to continue because you are not comfortable confronting the other person, while building up resentment. Or you can respond aggressively, by lashing out verbally or physically at the other person. This will cause the conflict to escalate and greatly reduce the chance of resolving it amicably.
Neither of these options is good for the relationship. You can choose a third option: assertion. The assertive option allows fro communication to solve the problem maintaing the relationship. A simple and effective way to assert yourself is by using this three step formula:
- Offer a non-judgemental description of the offending behavior,
- state your feelings,
- Describe the consequences of the behaviors.
Avoid describing behaviors and feelings in value-laden terms. Certain decriptions are more emotionally charged than others, and make logical discussions less likely. For example:"When you smoke, I feel victimised because it impairs my breathing." This makes the smoker sound like a villain, when he may have intended no malice.
Compare this with: "When you smoke, it is annoying and inconsiderate because it impairs my breathing." Here, the speaker is not stating his feelingss, but accusing the smoker of being annoying and inconsiderate. This may be construed as a personal attack by the speaker. Ti would be quite natural for the smoker to get defensive, deny the speaker's characterisation of him and respond with an attack of his own.
On the otherhand, consider this example: "When you smoke, I feel upset because it impairs my breathing." The smoker is doing something objectionable, but he is not made to seem like a bad guy, and is less likely to be offended. You are simply stating your true feelings, without judging the smoker's motives or values. No one can deny your feelings. This gives the offending party a reason to change his behavior. Most people are resonable and will accomodate you once they are aware of the effect their behavior is having on you.
Once you learn to craft assertive statements, you will be able to confidently handle situations you used to shrink from. People will respond to you favorably. You will be able to ask for what you want, and say no when you want to. Best of all, you will get what you want out of life.
Wisdom from Human David Goldwich
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